A Million Ways to Die in the West

A Million Ways to Die in the West, 2014, Fuzzy Door Productions. Directed by Seth MacFarlane. Starring Seth MacFarlane, Charlize Theron, Amanda Seyfried, Neil Patrick Harris.

I’m going to be honest, I hated A Million Ways to Die in the West. I hated that I spent just shy of a tenner to watch Seth MacFarlane have everyone tell his character how wonderful and special he was. I hated that he was supposed to be totally flawless, just in need of a confidence boost. I hated how he let us know that the West wasn’t great by just shouting for two minutes, rather than using the medium of film to show it. I hated how his go to punch line was saying ‘Oh shit!’ in case the audience couldn’t follow that the violent slapstick was violent. I hated that Django Unchained used ultra violence to demonstrate the Bad Old Days in better and funnier ways and I could have spent my money on that DVD instead (God, how I hated that).

I hated how Charlize Theron was diminished to a Manic Pixie Dream Girl in a hat in the first two acts and a damsel in distress in the last. I hated how she took an instant dislike to Amanda Seyfried without having a single scene alone with her. I hated that those two characters revolved entirely around Seth MacFarlane. I hated how Sarah Silverman wasn’t in it nearly enough.

I hated how glimpses of a funnier movie were suffocated by a two hour run time. I hated how scenes ran on and on with no end or purpose in sight and I hated that they didn’t have a single joke in them. I hated that the potentially funny jokes were mishandled and had all promise wrangled out of them. I hated how interesting subversive ideas were immediately shied away from and breezed over. I hated that there was a How I met Your Mother joke and it was terrible. I hated how people were dragged in to make cameos that only added to the runtime and nothing else. I hated how the toilet humour was just kind of gross. I hated that the Western genre is a rich field of comedy language, but that was ignored and characters spoke in 2009 slang. I hated that I love American Dad! but instead of that brand of sharp observational satire, I got Family Guy Goes West.

I hated that I expected more from Seth MacFarlane, who is a very talented man but just didn’t seem to know what to do with the genre. I hated that he gathered some excellent people and squandered them. I hated that Neil Patrick Harris defecated in two hats, but didn’t sing the musical number. I hated that I assumed Seth MacFarlane is skilled enough to have created the new Blazing Saddles, but didn’t seem to care that he was making something less funny than athlete’s foot.

The fight in the bar was good though, really funny.