Porn, the Friendzone and Icky Language

So let’s talk about porn. Specifically, its impact on everyday life and the repercussions it has on the world outside of the internet.  Even more specifically, the language people use when describing others, and what that says about them and their expectations of sex after it’s been warped by porn, starting with language.

The reason why I decided to write about this subject was because of a conversation I overheard outside of my library. Two men were swapping stories, when I heard one say this:

‘That bird was a cumslut’.

That’s all. They laughed and carried on talking, oblivious to my impotent rage as I wondered if I could punch them both for been horrible people and having their odious conversation within my earshot. Anger turned to bewildered curiosity as to how this word has come to be. Who even talks like that anyway?

Well, the internet, for one. A search for ‘cumslut’ will result in over three and a half million hits, including a Twitter hashtag, various blogs and Tumblr accounts and endless, endless porn links. Urban Dictionary has the term defined as ‘any loose woman or slut’, a ‘husband’s whore’ and (oh, how this one is my favourite) ‘any little whore that likes dick in her mouth’. It seems that any woman who enjoys giving head is automatically a ‘cumslut’; it’s the virgin-whore dichotomy, that wonderful phrase which quite depressingly seems to summarise the objectification of women. If you haven’t heard of it before, it basically means (in this context anyway) that any woman who enjoys sex, enjoys her partner’s enjoyment of sex and is risqué enough to give a blow job is obviously a filthy whore. However, if she doesn’t want to have sex or touch your junk, then she’s a frigid bitch, who’s probably sleeping around with everyone else anyway.

I think that this means that terminology like ‘cumslut’ is used to control the idea of a woman who likes sex; keep the freaky stuff freaky, but for God’s sake don’t act like you’re enjoying it for yourself because then the man isn’t in complete control. So words are invented to make her enjoyment seem unnatural and weird, and that’s one thing on the internet but in reality? Real life where real people overhear you use words like this? It’s horrible. I would think of something pithy to slam down this word, but in all honesty I’m just sort of depressed by it.

Women are usually controlled in some sense in porn. The classic pizza boy routine shows this: ‘Oh I can’t pay the seven quid I owe you for this pizza with extra sausage, so please – do with me what you will’. By not having the cash on her (which seems like poor financial planning) the woman gives her body as a bartering tool; it’s like the Babylonian slave market, but with terrible lighting. Women are used, abused and handed around like tools, reduced to masturbation aides and then thrown aside; so why not call her a cumslut? That’s all she is and all she’ll ever amount to being.

But this is porn, not real life. Any man who works for Dominoes expecting more than a thank you at the door will be nastily surprised, and probably fired for creeping on the female customers. Adults (please let this be true) know that porn is stupid and is not how people interact in reality, but then again, it’s still obviously a problem that women are expected to behave in a certain way or, by God, there will be consequences. A non-porn example would be the viciously misogynistic ‘friendzone’. The thought process could only go like this when it comes to the friendzone: “What? Be ‘just friends’ with a woman? Give her emotional support and companionship without expecting sex as a reward? Good heavens, what an idea! She must be sleeping with everyone else but me, the whore!”

Don’t believe me? Read ‘Ode to the Nice Guy’ and tell me that the writer doesn’t come off like a whiny weirdo. This piece was everywhere a few years ago, and all you need to do is look on Reddit, Roflzone or 9gag for the remnants of it today: 

It’s funny, because she doesn’t want to sleep with you so you are within your rights to immolate her! HAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHA. HA.

So what does this have to do with ‘cumslut’? Hearing the word in reality means something important; it means what is acceptable (in the most sarcastic of air-quotes you can imagine) on the internet is now acceptable in real life – the concept of a friendzone is now a real thing which real people complain about. Women are polarised as being two different things – a frigid tramp. This is not cool, because it removes any possibility of seeing the women in your life as anything more than potential masturbation tools.

It’s harsh, and I must say that the men I know and am friends with are all very much normal people. In fact, almost all of the men I’ve met are cool, funny and will probably agree that friendzoning is creepy and ‘cumslut’ is not how you should talk about anyone. But if ‘cumslut’ becomes common vernacular, on and offline, I feel that the gender gap will widen even more, vilifying men and debasing women. Which is sad, particularly for delusional pizza boys.